My name is Kiah Jones. I’m 15 and from the Vineyard Boise. God moved me. Broke me. Changed me over Cultivation Generation 2012. This is my story….what I could express.
My spirit has so much more to say about what I experienced over this past week than my words could ever express. If I was to be completely honest in this, I would have to admit that my moods were swinging on extremes that I’d never felt before. This conference wasn’t all awesome. It was a battle. I fought. Hard. My entire body shook uncontrollably. Hands gripped tightly to my scalp; interlocked in my hair as my flesh struggled to deal with what was truly going on as the confusion continued to pound against me.
Over and over again my mind kept forcing me to bring things to the surface that are so accustomed to the inner layers. “What if this is all a lie? What if they have me tricked again, just like at home? What if I will never understand how to control my emotions and I’ll fail in a relationship? Was he right? What if I’m not beautiful enough?” For what seemed like hours I sat there in the darkness. My eyes locked tight desperately, honestly, earnestly pounding against a door. Searching for answers. I wanted it. I needed it. Never before had I felt so out of control of what was physically happening around me. Speaker’s words flooded me, “We all want to do something better. Try harder. Take some bath to make us cleaner. But one of the huge things that you will learn in your walk of faith is that God doesn’t want your “hard trying.” Your efforts. Your good intentions. God wants you to submit and simply say ‘I can’t’” There was no escape. It wasn’t like the past where I really could turn “it” off if I wanted to. “It” was a raging storm that managed to seep out for all to see. Pathetic view I’m sure. Then, out of nowhere, the questions stopped and I heard simply.
“None of that matters, Kiah I love you.”
I have never stopped crying so suddenly. From controlling, overpowering sobs to encompassing stillness in a blink of a moment. It was such a relief. None of that torment.
I felt completely, beautifully, hopefully empty.
That was Day 2.
I’m racking my brain to remember the speakers, the worship leaders, something of solidity to point out from the next day. I just remember craving worship. A hunger that bred in me deeper and deeper with every minute. Moments without truth being spoken over me felt apprehensive simply because of the joy I experienced easily as the Holy Spirt came and filled up the gaping hole the previous night had left me with.
I stood waiting like an eager child, expectant of each moment and what God was going to show me next. Indescribable. Ready to be filled. My hands began to feel most natural raised above my head. My voice most comfortable at the peak of noise capability. My feet most content when dancing. All of the sudden I realized something. My mouth was saying things with meaning that I couldn’t comprehend. No big prayer, no famous speaker breathing life into me, no performance. Simply, my Jesus and me. The happiness that came over me isn’t something that I could ever explain to any one of you. Just as if someone had tried to tell me that feeling last week, I would have nodded kindly and continued with doubts that overtook any hope at all.
You know that place that you feel happy? Just honestly happy. The mountains. Behind a guitar. With a loved one. Watching the sunrise. Wading in the ocean. Clear night skies. Warm tea and scones. It was as if every sense of HAPPY I had ever sensed before hit me faster than my mind could keep up with. So I bypassed the language I knew and talked to my Daddy in the way that became natural. Falling at his feet screaming. God, I want to burn.
I don’t have a pretty picture to paint, or a metaphor to use (I wish I did. Much easier on my thoughts), but I can say that Cultivation Generation 2012 was a time that I will never forget. I can say without a doubt that my God loves me and cares to speak to ME. Impact ME. Show ME his love each day. I know the Holy Spirit lives in me. And I know that for the rest of my life God, I want to burn.